The Now.

If you were to ask me years ago, if this would be my now, there is a hundred percent chance I'd bet my life against it. Ha, I would laugh without a doubt- burst into hysterics for even painting such a picture whilst throwing my best mockery back at you. This could and never would be my now. But as it would be, by some crazy "what the fuck?" twist of fate, it is...it really is. This is my spectacular now. 

Well, they can point their fingers and they can slaughter my name. They can put in all their effort to try and cause me pain. But you see, the thing is... I've already been through hell. So they can give it their best shot, and not only will I survive, I will win. Why you ask? Because I'm not ashamed of my past. The decisions I made, good or bad, I own them. They made me the woman I am today. I may have fallen but, out of those ashes arose a strong confident woman who knows who she is. I survived because the fire inside of me burns brighter then the fire around me. So you cannot break me. I will ALWAYS rise above. 

❤

"If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: We all want everything to be okay. We don't even wish so much for fantastic or marvelous or outstanding. We will happily settle for okay, because most of the time, okay is enough."
David Levithan, Every Day

Failure is OK!

I know you are convinced that you’ve got it all figured out, but you actually do not. You don’t know nearly as much as you think you do. A sign of maturity is taking comfort in the reality that you do not have all the answers. There will always be more for you to learn in life so enjoy the process of learning as it is the only way to grow. And make mistakes! I mean, really fuck up sometimes, it's a part of life. I know you are petrified of failure, but failure can be such a good thing. It wakes you up and shows you things about yourself that may need improving. If you look at failure as a positive, then you never have to look back at it. It's an only forward kinda deal. Try it...
I know its hard, Christ I know first hand just how damn hard it is. It is far easier to complain about situations than look at how to make the best of them or come up with a solution to your problems. It will take a lot of time and effort for you to realize the impact negative thinking is having on your life. You need to work at rationalizing the irrational, negative thoughts. Changing your perspective is hard but you must focus on the positive things you have going for you instead of the negative. So add failure to the positive side of your stubburn ass mind. Its OK!
Be thankful for what you have because gratitude is extremely important. Even in the darkest of times, there is something to be grateful for. Great friends, family, pizza, Nutella...mmm nutella...the list is long my friends. Take pleasure in the little things...and in your failure.

He's just not that into you.

If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone or so hung up with someone, who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for that guy. You deserve a fucking phone call.

Lyric or Music

You know, I’ve got this theory; there are two kinds of people in the world.
There are lyric people and music people.
You know, the lyrics people tend to be analytical.
You know, all about the meaning of the song.
They’re the ones you see with the CD insert out like five minutes after buying it,
pouring over the lyrics, interpreting the hell out of everything.

Then there’s the music people..
Who could care less for the lyrics as long as it’s just got,
like, a good beat and you could dance to it.
I don’t know, sometimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl.
But since I’m not, let me just say this:
Sometimes things find you when you need them to find you.
I believe that. And for me it’s usually song lyrics

Dear You,

You know, you are just like everything I have ever known before. You disappear...

You did it without a warning and without a single piece of dignity. You were gone. Just like that...
How could you do that to me? How could you just leave me like I was a nobody? How could you just pretend I meant nothing? Or was it me who was pretending? Did you use me? You most certainly abused me...But did you really never care?
I don't know anymore...
I don't know what to believe anymore. The truth doesn't fit the story. You seem to have erased me from your memory. A cold case of amnesia has clearly taken over. But me...I remember everything.
I swallowed my pride, I tried to run, I even tried to hide. But I couldn't. I got sucked back in time after time and I didn't mind. Even with all the warnings and stories about who you really are, I couldn't let you go. I couldn't let you go because I promised you that I would never give up on you. But you gave up on me!
Why have we become enemies? I had your back, when no one else did. Not even you. I gave when I had nothing to give. And you took. You took it and you ran with it. Hell, you even wrapped it around your pretty little finger. I forgave you when you scarred me, mentally and physically. I forgave you. I told you everything would be okay because I trusted you. I believed in you. I supported you. I honestly loved you.
I know we had our issues and I know we had our flaws. And I know I had my part in you breaking my fucking heart. But...but it still doesn't add up. The truth still doesn't fit the story.
Is this it? Is this what we get? Is this how you wanted it to end? If that is the case...grow a pair. Look me in the eye and tell me goodbye. Let me off the hook for real this time. I can't keep hoping. I can't keep waiting. I can't keep pretending.
But then again, you are just like everything I have ever known before...

Friends Can Break Up To...

        When you break up with a boyfriend, it’s usually grounds for staying in bed for an entire weekend, eating ice cream, and watching movies starring any of these women: Kate Hudson, Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts or pretty much any of the other chick flick starlets for that matter (Bridget Jones is my personal favorite).
People understand the pain that comes along with breaking up with a boyfriend. Most people have been through it at least once. But the pain caused when a friendship ends can be just as bad, if not worse, than breaking up with your boyfriend.
It doesn’t matter why your friendship ended (you grew apart, you had a fight, you found different groups of friends, etc.) it can seem impossible to move on, especially if the friend played a significant role in your life. Luckily for you (and unfortunately for me) I’ve been through a traumatic friend break-up... I’ve figured out some ways to get through it and come out the other side and rise above it all. And unlike Carrie Underwood’s instructions for a boyfriend break-up, I won’t tell you to dig your key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive. Carving your name into his
leather seats is not allowed either. Cause that is just ridiculous. Even though that does sound quite intriguing and a huge part of me really wants to, it's just the anger talking. And real life is more complicated than that.


Just like any breakup, it is hard to do. Much like the passing away of a loved one, breakups have stages of grief.


1. Shock: "What the fuck just happened?"

Shock is the body's natural protection against pain. And when your relationship first ends, you just might not want to deal with what's coming next. It may be too scary, too lonely, too confusing. A state of disbelief could last minutes, weeks or even months and likely lasts longer if you are on the receiving end of an unexpected "we're done". Don't be surprised if you feel a sense of blurriness about the actual breakup scene, a literal loss of breath, or trouble sleeping. You just got hit with a fucking Mac truck sweetheart. You're friends will probably remind you of
It daily though. Not to mention the name drops and memories that will push you to remember until finally... The shock will wear off. And when that happens, you have now officially boarded stage two of your grief. Ladies, buckle up... This is going to be a bumpy ride.


2. Denial: "This is so not fucking happening."

Denial is rejection of reality and a storage of feelings. The thinking is that, if you don't accept the heartbreak, then it didn't really happen, thus leaving hope for reunion. You know, like the shit they teach you about in the movies. During this stage of a breakup it is common to call, text, email or even Facebook/ Twitter-stalk -- anything that feels remotely "normal" about the relationship -- in an effort to put dealing with the heartbreak on hold.  But when the other person on the receiving end is not having any of it and making it more than clear that "we're over" is in truth a fact... Something inside of you cracks. "Oh holy shit, hes actually gone...we're...over" The denial is no longer, and you snap back to reality. Brace yourself. No matter how difficult or unbearable it feels, experience it. Whether it’s guilt, sorrow, or anger, let it wash over you. This is the time when all those thoughts of what you should have said or done to avoid the breakup start to surface. Life at this stage feels scary and out control and you sometimes wonder how you’ll make it through another day.

3. Hibernation "I just want to sit in this all by myself...fuck off"

Once you've recognized the breakup, you get into the dirty work: Dealing with the dissolution of the relationship. You may replay the relationship over and over in your mind, trying to pinpoint where it fell apart and how it could have been saved. Your thoughts may feel very scattered and disorganized, basically a scary fucking mess. This stage of grief has you in withdrawal; you don't even feel like updating your Facebook or twitter status or checking your text messages. You may draw your blinds and not even want to leave the house. Sitting in silence or listening to Taylor Swift or The Cure or any other depressing love songs that you might relate to ( girls do this, I don't know why) or even stuffing your face with a pint of ice cream feels better than going outside and admitting to the world that, yes, it's over and yes my heart is breaking. NO THANKS!

4. Anger: "I hate you for breaking my fucking heart!!"

In this stage, your heart goes from sad to unbelievably mad. "Why is this happening to me? This is not fair!!". You become fueled with anger towards him for whatever his part in the breakup was " fucking bastard! how could he do this to me, and over a text message? fuck you! I hate you!", and or toward yourself for your part "How could I have been so stupid? I am such a stupid masochist bitch!". You reach a turning point when you realize that something must change because you can’t go on like this. You may find yourself wanting to expose him, burn his pictures, slander him to his friends or worse. If you are angry with yourself, you may do a lot of self-talk -regretful thoughts and angry conversations with yourself. You lash out at pretty much anyone who dares cross you, or even look at you in this stage. The deeper desire here is often to place blame... And that blame is usually bestowed upon yourself. It’s unhealthy to obsess about the way things could have turned out. It’s even worse to beat yourself up about why you didn’t do things a certain way in the first place. You can feel, write or talk about your anger but DO NOT act on it. You don't want to slash his tires, that's madness and hillbilly-like.


5.Haggling: "What the fuck will it take to get him back?"

Sometimes you'll say prayers, or any form of high hopes in faith, ( Like checking your daily horoscope to see if the cosmos can throw you a fricken bone here) this stage is often about getting him back, but other times, it is about absolving your own guilt if you did something wrong that caused the breakup. Desperate to negotiate with yourself or your person, you may go to extreme measures to make deals or become something else (thinner, less jealous, etc.) to make amends...when in truth, it is just about making the current pain go away. A band-aid, if you will. DON'T rehash the situation. It’s sad and may have been surprising, but going over the details again and again with another friend or family member isn’t going to make you feel any better. It will just inhibit your ability to focus on other areas of your life. And goddamn, you're probably something special. remember that, will ya?


6. Depression: "Fuck My Life I will never get over this"

This is the time where you really feel the loss, the yearning, the missing...This is the darkest hour before dawn-- the quiet, sentimental time of loneliness, sadness and depression when nothing and nobody can cheer you up. It’s also often the time when your friends and your close family think now is the time to "get over it", move on and be happy. (Thanks tips, didn't think about that at all)
You will likely be overtaken by a long period of reflection, could be weeks or maybe even longer. It can feel all too overwhelming, but its NORMAL to feel this way. Your going to go over what your life was like prior to "him" or what it could be like now and--well that can be hard. Just getting out of bed feels difficult, and you may even feel physical aches and pains. People are probably going to notice, especially your close friends and family. In spite of the well-meaning advice and encouragement you may get from people around you, you WILL feel sad and WILL prefer your own little bubble. This is probably the hardest stage of all. You will finally realize and experience the full effect of the breakup. You're going to be tired, very, very tired. So sad, and absolutely terrified of the future because you just don't think you will ever get over this. ( You're wrong by the way)
Often you will get overwhelmed by memories of it all, the good and bad, and you may feel emptiness and despair. The famous coulda'-shoulda'-woulda' keeps playing over and over and over again. Then before you know it, something changes.


7. The Turn: " I guess shit just fucking happens"



This is the first turn for the better and the first sign of relief. You slowly adjust to the role you are now leading, and you have stopped being so hard on yourself; because at this point you've been living in hell and you became quite comfortable there. The physical pain subsides and the dark cloud of depression lifts off of you as well. This is the real "Step by step, Day by day" part. You are becoming much calmer, and your life is becoming more organized again. you may even be starting to see some old faces too. You have broken out of your bubble, slowly... You're rebuilding your hope, your faith and trust in everything and everyone. Your just doing you, and for all the right reasons. Your accepting that it is over, and that you are okay...maybe even better than that.


8. Acceptance: "I'm not okay...I'm fucking Great!"

 At this last stage you finally realize that you don’t have to forget the breakup or him. This stage makes all the other really tough ones worth it. You come to realize what the past meant and what the future can hold. You simply have to forgive him and yourself. You would be amazed what its like when you step up and see things from all sides now. You let go of the bad memories while keeping the best, happiest memories as guide to what could come next. Or maybe you will be at a Bruce Springsteen concert listening to him sing "Jack Of All Trades" and something in you just--clicks. You don't deserve this, and he sure as hell doesn't deserve you. I'm sure it differs for everyone...point is, you finally get it. You had the strength to get through this brutal situation. Sure, there are going to be sad moments here and there (completely normal) but you wont get sucked back into the darkness. You understand why you were in his life, and you understand why you are no longer. You remember that everything happens for a reason. And most importantly, you remember that you are more than okay...you are fucking great.



      Breaking up isn't as hard to do if you understand that everything that is happening to your heart, your mind and your body is totally normal. That's right... Consuming endless pints of ice cream one day and being disgusted by the sight of food the next is normal under the circumstances. It is also normal to want to slash the tires of the son of a bitch who broke your heart, and want him back all at the same time. IT'S NORMAL to feel that way. Even if he was just a friend...

Titanium

 

Life has a way of going in circles, do you ever notice that? I mean, why cant it just be this road where you only go forward? We'd always know where we were going, we'd always be able to move on and leave everything else behind. There would be nothing but the present and the future ahead of us. But that doesn't seem very practical, now does it? What really ends up happening, is you end up right back to where you started.

You see when you try and move ahead, you end up taking a step back. We carry everything with us and the weight is exhausting us until we want to collapse and give up. There are concrete blocks sitting on our shoulders and a toxic fluid streaming through us, eating us alive.

We forget things we try to remember. We remember things we'd rather forget. The most frightening thing about memory is that it leaves us no choice. You cannot run from a memory. That memory is a part of you, whether it be good or bad, its the glue to your foundation. And your foundation is your past. We need it. Without it, what guidance would we have?

Our past is just as important as our future, and we all seem to forget that. Sometimes we forget to remind ourselves that is not where we're going, but rather where we've been. Its so easy to give up. Anyone can do it. But when the stitching comes undone, and the cracks begin to show, everyone expects you to do just that. Fall apart and give up. Well, I say fuck that. Why? Because after a while all those memories and heartaches turn into something else. So wear your scars with pride and embrace those cracks in your foundation.You accept the past. You live in the present. And you keep building for the future. When you can do that...now that's strength nobody can touch.

You have just become titanium.

 

You Should Have Known: Tag-1

The days were flying by, and summer had officially come to an end. The leaves have already turned from a blistering orange and red to dead nothings on the ground. The seasons were changing, and so were they. In more ways than one...

Blanche was stuck in neutral somewhere
on one of her dark and twisty roads. Because Blanche was so familiar with these roads, she was becoming too comfortable there, for she had no fear of them. She knew them like the back of her hand. She could ride them blind or let the wind take her. She found comfort in her darkness. After all, it's where he left her.

Its sad to endure such a pure and innocent soul tortured by so much pain. She tried her best to conceal the gaping hole that was left in her chest after Mick had abandoned her. She had her "goods" and "fines" right on cue as if scripted. She was a master at hiding her feelings. And one hell of a poker player too. But none of this erased the memories of her Mick. She wasn't the same. And she desperately wondered if she would ever be the same again. Would she have to fake it for the rest of her life? Or would his memories fade away like the sinking of an autumn sunset...

The Secret Life Of Prince Charming

“It starts so young, and I'm angry about that. The garbage we're taught. About love, about what's "romantic." Look at so many of the so-called romantic figures in books and movies. Do we ever stop and think how many of them would cause serious and drastic unhappiness after The End? Why are sick and dangerous personality types so often shown a passionate and tragic and something to be longed for when those are the very ones you should run for your life from? Think about it. Heathcliff. Romeo. Don Juan. Jay Gatsby. Rochester. Mr. Darcy. From the rigid control freak in The Sound of Music to all the bad boys some woman goes running to the airport to catch in the last minute of every romantic comedy. She should let him leave. Your time is so valuable, and look at these guys--depressive and moody and violent and immature and self-centered. And what about the big daddy of them all, Prince Charming? What was his secret life? We dont know anything about him, other then he looks good and comes to the rescue.”

An Addict indeed.

“I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self." -EG

Nodding.

"It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Goddamn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head." HR

The Last Dance

I feel like I keep going in these circles, these endless goddam circles. This dance I keep doing, if I don't stop spinning now there is only one thing that is going to happen... Yeah you got that right. I'm going to fall flat on my ass. I'm leading this dance from now on. No more spinning. I'm changing it up and I am doing this my way. So, do you care to dance?

You've got to accept the fact that life isn't a fairy tale, things aren't always happily ever after. Things like magic wishes, Prince Charmings and true love don't happen in real life. Magic wishes come from money, Prince Charming's a shallow idiot with a bad haircut and overpriced clothes. And true love? Ha, true love is one-sided, Ace. You love her, she loves someone else. She loves you, you love someone else. Never quite works out does it? So you end up with some actor pretending to be your true love. Real considerate of someone to let you know reality was like that before being thrown into it. 'If you wish, it'll happen.' Well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up faster. Welcome to reality. Enjoy your stay.

You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got and remember what you had, always forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes, but never regret, people change, things go wrong, just remember... life goes on.

Do you remember in kindergarten, how you'd meet a kid, and know nothing about them, then 10 seconds later you'd be playing like you were best friends, because you didn't have to be anyone but yourself?

I hate the way you talk to me / And the way you cut your hair. / I hate the way you drive my car. / I hate it when you stare. / I hate your big dumb combat boots / And the way you read my mind. / I hate you so much it makes me sick -- / It even makes me rhyme. / I hate the way you're always right. / I hate it when you lie. / I hate it when you make me laugh -- / Even worse when you make me cry. / I hate it that you're not around / And the fact that you didn't call. / But mostly I hate the way / I don't hate you -- / Not even close, not even a little bit, not any at all. -10 things i hate about you

~Don't you hate that? Uncomfortable silence. Why do we feel it's necessary to talk about bullshit in order to feel comfortable? That's when you know you've found somebody really special. When you can just shut the hell up for a minute and comfortably share a silence~

~Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning...breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out....and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how great and perfect I had it once~

Unknown Addict: I Am Ready!

I remember waking up in the mornings eager for the day ahead of me. A constant craving of new and change, ready to take a bite out of it with a genuine smile spread across my face. I was a risk taker, a go getter... I took pleasure in the little things from sunsets to great conversations. I thrived on it. Another great pleasure was doing what people said I couldn't do. I think there is quite a few of us in the world who were born to break the rules and really taste life. And I would do just that. Those were the days where I really felt alive. I would be lying if I said I felt anything remotely close to that now. I feel as though I have completely lost my appetite for life. I am only twenty six... I am clearly hitting this 'Eat Pray Love' stage a little to early in life. But maybe it has nothing to do with our number rather our experiences. Our experiences define a great deal of who we really are. We make mistakes, we often end up or feel alone. We often have hidden regrets, but I like to think of them more as lessons. There are others to help us, teach us, guide us along the way, but the lesson to be learned is always ours. That is what shapes and molds us into, well us.
Someone once said 'whether I am right or wrong, whether I find a place in this world or never belong, I gotta  be me, what else can I be than what I am' - That girl I used to be, I still am. 



Everyone has a story, just not everyone gets the chance to tell it. I think I am ready to tell my story...

Confession:

Have you noticed that no matter how much you love them, or long they stay, you only seem to remember everything once they've walked away... Why is that? Ugh. Probably falls under the category of  "Don't know what you've lost till its gone, blah blah blah." Maybe it's because we're so wrapped up in this fairytale like dream which has suddenly become our reality that its too fucking surreal we don't even have time to think about it... So we don't.
I hate missing. What a stupid, stupid thing a person should have to go through.

Unknown Addict Tag-12

People are constantly searching for answers, and they will usually go to no end to find them. The part I find so ironic and- well to put it bluntly, utterly ridiculous, is that they usually find comfort in the rumors. In that famous 'he said she said' bullshit. When you offer to give it to them straight from the lions mouth they reject it. Where is the logic there? Since I have been one to fall so deeply in denial, I think I can state quite a strong opinion here. Saying that, in the words of Jack Nicholson "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!" Yep. That is what it ultimately comes down to. You know it, I know it. The truth always pisses you off, at first, but the truth shall also set you free. You should Remember that.

 "Songs and smells will bring you back to a moment in time more than anything else. It's amazing how much can be conjured with a few notes of a song or a solitary whiff of a room. A song you didn't even pay attention to at the time, a place that you didn't even know had a particular smell." - Emily Giffin

"When you are in a relationship, you are aware that it might end. You might grow apart, find someone else, simply fall out of love. But a friendship isn't a zero-sum game, and as such, you assume that it will last forever, especially an old friendship. You take its permanence for grandted, whuch might be the very thing so dear about it."   - Emily Giffin

Confession:

I have heard from many that they are waiting for the "one". The one who is going to sweep them off their feet and live that happy ever after... News flash, you want it-- you gotta go out and get it. Every moment you waste talking or dreaming about it, its just another moment that has slipped you by. Life doesn't wait for you. You have to go out and show em' who you are. Scream from the top of your lungs for what you want. Climb that hill. And when you get to the top...just keep climbing. If you fall, just get back up and do it again. Its life guys, you only get one shot... Don't wait until too late, because it not waiting for you.

Unknown Addict-Tag 11

Have you ever looked up at the stars and then wondered if someone out there was looking at the same star with you? Or what about looking at that star and wishing that at that very moment, someone who is meant for you, is out there doing the exact same thing? I think about little things like that. All too often actually. I guess you could call it having some faith, or maybe I'm just a cheesy hopeless romantic... None the less, I do it anyways. Sometimes I even catch myself flicking through the radio stations, wondering if they are listening to the exact same song  at the exact same time... And if they are, are they singing it at the top of their lungs with me?
My I-pod shuffled  to our song tonight, and I thought of him... But not only did I think of him, I felt, heard, and even smelled him. I made a wish inside. Exactly one minute later I glanced at my phone to distract my thoughts from going--well, where they shouldn't go, and then I saw it. At that very moment, there was that one person who was doing the exact same thing and listening to the exact same song. There is nine billion people in the world, and out of those nine billion... It was him.

Confession:

I feel as though I lose track of who I am, more often than needed, and there is really no one else to blame for this besides myself. I get caught up in the moment and then I get comfortable there. I think. I scream at myself sometimes, inside you know? It's true. Moron! Idiot! Insane! Bitch! Loser! Ugly! Chicken shit--you name it, I think it, and then I scream it. I keep thinking the older I get that somehow I'm finally just going to accept myself, but it doesn't work that way...Someone should have told me that. What am I lacking? Why am I not happy? Why don't I love me? If I really loved me, I would have never, and I mean never had done this to me. Only a sick person would do that. When did I forget to love me?

Unknown Addict-Tag 10

Unknown Addict-Tag 9

I really hate the way he looks at me. He's looking at me as if I am the first and last person he's ever going to see. Friends just don't look at one another that way. But here he is with his stupid, stupid stare, and I just cannot help but stare back. What am I--
" You know, I could see myself growing old with you."
That was unexpected. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. "You." Was all I managed to choke out.
" I..." He said in such a calm manor with his eyes now exploding with satisfaction. What the hell is going on? Where did this come from? He's waiting for my response and I have a million and one. Lines have officially been crossed... "You want a cigarette?" I said with the tiniest grin on my face.

~So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling.~

You and me, (Ohhh, oh, oh, oh, oh) You and me, Nobody baby but you and me. (Hey, hey, hey) You and me, (My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my) You and me, Nobody baby but you and me.

Confession:

I maybe getting used to the fact that he's never coming back. When I see him, I don't even really see him anymore. The boy I once loved is gone. I don't even know this person--this new guy. New guy sucks.

"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "no - I want magenta!""-John Mayer

"And if you never stop when you wave goodbye, you just might find, if you give it time, you will wave hello again. You just might wave hello again. And that's the way this wheel keeps working now."

John Mayer

"Numb is the new deep, done with the old me, and talk is the same cheap it's been."

Confession:

To every girl who gossiped about me in corners of parties; to those who were my slap in the face; to the close minded or misunderstanding; to those who broke my heart: you all challenged me to become the person I wanted to be. I am stronger because of the trials you put me through and no matter what you have done to me, you have unknowingly done so much more for me.

Being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny, and a time to pick up the pieces when it’s all over

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.

Unknown Addict- Tag 8

Sometimes I wonder how long its going to take him to get it. He claims to have everything he ever wanted, yet still doesn't know what he's looking for. He's happy go lucky, yet devastatingly sad. Moron. If he just opened his God damn eyes he would see it. He would feel it. That thing he's been searching for... Is exactly where he left it.

~Do you ever just put your arms out and just spin and spin and spin? Well, that's what love is like; everything inside of you tells you to stop before you fall, but for some reason you just keep going~

~Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning...breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out....and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how great and perfect I had it once~Sleepless In Seatle

Dear You,

We're friends, real friends. And that means, no matter how long it takes, when you finally do decide to look back... I’ll still be here.

It’s easy to suggest a quick solution, when you don’t know much about the problem or you don’t understand the underlying cause or just how deep the wound is. The first step toward a real cure is to know exactly what the disease is to begin with. But that’s not what people want to hear. We're supposed to forget the past that led us here, ignore the future complications that might arise and go for the quick fix.

Whoever said What you don't know can't hurt you was a complete and  utter moron. Because ... for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world.

Confession:

Lines are created for many different reasons... If you choose to cross those lines, well--you're pretty much doing it at your own risk. And it seems that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation. Why in God's name do we do that to ourselves? Is it in our nature? Hm... It's quite possible. But what if it's more than that? What if it's something we have no control over... There could be some higher power controlling the situation, lets call it fate, and if that is the case--we're screwed. Nature and fate fighting on the same side... Honey, you're gonna take that risk. I know I did. The question is... Would you?

No matter how hard we try to ignore it or try to deny it eventually the lies fall away, whether we like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth-- it hurts. So, we lie.

Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else... makes the rest of the world fade away, until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain, we anesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it. and for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it

There are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces.

And still there are times when it just gets away from you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it's scary as hell. Except there's an upside to free falling. It's the chance you give your friends to catch you.

Unknown Addict Tag 7

People say if you love someone hard enough, than things are just gonna work out.Well, I'm here to tell you that they are wrong...

You once called me your best friend, your hero, your sister... I once upon a time thought of you as those things as well. We did what could possibly be the most cliche and dumbest act there is out there. We let a guy come between us. How could we be so stupid!?! Despite how good he was at encouraging the rift between us, we still let it happen.We both fought for him, over him, with him... We completely neglected this friendship, for him. I tried to fight for you, maybe I didn't try hard enough, but you never once thought to fight for me. I don't blame you completely, but a part of me wishes you had... I fucked up. I know this. I let you down, I broke your heart, but you broke mine too. It became a vicious, vicious cycle, and we let the anger and pain get the best of us. People make mistakes.

You know, regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small, like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger like when we let down a friend. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past, and sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change our ways. But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did but for the things we didn't do, or the things we didn't say. I never said what I should have said then, truth be told I never said anything at all. I was attacked and left alone. I was Completely shattered. No. Not shattered-- shattered is something that happens to glass. This was more like burned. If anyone were to come close to me-- forget it, its dust in the wind anyways, right? Maybe I deserved it. However, I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy...

So you see, it wasn't that I forgot about you or didn't care about you, it was that I didn't have time to think about you. I needed to be selfish, in other words I needed to take care of me. Once the wind blew, I had no choice but to sweep up whatever pieces I could find, while you were simply sweeping me under the rug. I didn't even know where to begin. The words weren't there, because  I wasn't there. The most important people in my life were gone, and banished me into the darkness .In result of this, the hurt turned to anger. I know yours did too, maybe I couldn't understand that then, but I do now.

Dear You,

I guess I just want you to know that I'm not going to hold you to anything we've said in the past. I want you to live your life and be happy and enjoy everything that goes along with that.

Confession:

I'm just not all there. I mean, I can -- I can analyze somebody else until the cows wander home, but as soon as I turn all that indulgent perception on myself, it's like I completely lose connection between my heart and my head. It's like the two are incompatible, and I -- I can't get it together. And I really wish I could, because I'm so scared of what might happen if I don't. I, Does this make any sense at all?

I have all these feelings -- these weird feelings -- and I've had this burning desire to express them. But I can't. I just can't. And these feelings -- they're trapped -- they're like stuck in my heart... And I just feel so lonely.

Unknown Addict- Tag 6

The way he brushed my hair away from my forehead made me feel... safe.

Unknown Addict- Tag 5

I was hurting too many people, my best friend, him, and more importantly myself. I wanted to walk away, and I tried. "Should I go my own way?"
I said hoping for, I dunno for something. His reply was just so damn irritating because I needed him to not want me, spite how unbelievable and amazing it felt to have another human being want me again, I knew what was right and what was wrong.
"Stay." he said. "Your own way is with me".

Have faith that things will work out for the best...that whatever sent us off in
different directions is the very same thing that will bring us back together.

Dear You,

You're off the hook. I've never really put much faith in all that "if you love someone, set them free" crap, as evidenced by everything I've done in my life up to this very moment, but I am determined to be happy. Happy in this life. And I love you. I mean, I always-- I have always, always loved you. But our timing has just never been right. And the way I figure it, time is no man's friend. So I have to get right with that and be happy, now. Because this is it. I mean, this is all that we get. I also want for you to be happy. It's really important for me that you be happy. So I want you to be with someone. But I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like I feel when I'm with you. So, I guess the point to this long run-on sentence that's been the last 10 years of our lives is just that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me. So you're off the hook. - P.W

Confession:

I fill my days with memories of him. I remember how he used to look at me, as if I was his most valuable treasure. Has he found a new treasure? I can't help but wonder if we will be able to find our way back to each other. The road seems so very long, and my head is crowded with such a dark thought. I feel our bond grows weaker by the day and I'm powerless to stop it.

It's like your heart has been ripped out and stomped on. You.. you can't breathe, you don't want to eat, you can't function. It's the most intense pain that you'll ever feel, and there's no way to relieve it. It's unyielding, merciless torture, and you know its yours for life.

It's like you get this picture in your head of the way things should be, and you end up closing yourself off to some of the wonder and serendipity of the actual experience.

...because life, much like a french movie, rarely makes any sense, but when its right, its right, and you don't question it, you don't think, you don't ponder, you just exist.

You and I were meant to be. Period. The End. Cue happy ending music.

Confession:

I'm scared that I'm going to end up alone. I'm scared that I'm always going to be somebody's friend, or sister, or confidant, never quite somebody's everything. Mostly I'm scared I'm never going to find a guy that I love as much as I love you.

I know I've made a lot of stupid mistakes. But the worst one was thinking the person who hurt me the most, wouldn't hurt me again.

Confession:

I looked at him, and he looked at me, and for that split second it was like we forgave each other for everything...

I can blow your mind in a million different ways that you've never even imagined, you knew that when you looked at me, and knew that it would be different with me, that's why your not turning around, because your nervous about what you might feel.

There are not many people in this world with the ability to give you butterflies, and if you don't tell those people how you feel, It'll be like spending the rest of your life in your own personal prison.

Because you're beautiful, and you don't know it. Because you're smart, and you don't believe it. You're the kind of girl that guys never get over. Don't you get it? You're the kind of girl that other girls get compared to.

Confession:

It seems a little sad that I was the girl whose only purpose was to help you find out who you were really in love with.

Letting go isn't a one time thing, its something you do everyday, over and over again!!

Confession:

My life was a sea of conflicting emotions,but the one thing kept me going was our bond... our connection. It made me feel like I wasn't alone, like i was part of something special. I'm not whining about being friends or not, but I'm not feeling that connection and it scares me.

Dear You,

Listen to me: If we are truly meant to be, then we will find our way back to each other. It's as simple as that.

Unknown Addict-Tag 4

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.



A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.



A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..." Elizabeth Gilbert



That is one hell of a way to look at it. I think that might be the closest theory to comfort I have ever come across, it goes well with that whole 'Everything happens for a reason' thing, right?
Ah, that just made me think so, so differently, breathe easy if you will. Maybe that was it... If I can think on a positive track like that, maybe I could finally rid that fucking grimy tar like creature that has suctioned itself like a leach to my heart once and for all. Sorry, got a little heated there. If I look at it from that point of view maybe it wont hurt so bad, it would not have been for nothing. The truth is just that when I was with him everything was so easy. We had it all, the world was in the palm of our hands and time ceased to exist. We showed each other who we really were, raw, crazy, and scared shitless but we did it anyways. He was my mirror as I was his.He once said he never felt so alive in his life. My heart beat in ways I never experienced before, and I felt dead and alive all at the same time. I was just there... Then he was gone.

The Poppy Family- Which Way You Goin' Billy? (1969)

Which way you goin' Billy?
Can I go too?
Which way you goin' Billy?
Can I go with you?

I really love you, Billy
And all this time
I thought you loved me, Billy
And you were mine

I'm gonna miss you, Billy
And though I'm trying
I'm hurting so bad, Billy
I can't help crying

You are my whole, babe
My heart and my soul, babe
I'd have nothing to show, babe
If you should go away

You are my whole, babe
My heart and my soul, babe.
I'd have nothing to show, babe
If you should go

Which way you going, Billy?
Or need I ask?
Cause you don't want me, Billy
You're free at last

I won't forget you, Billy
For all my life
I'll always love you, Billy
I'll stay your wife

You are my whole, babe
My heart and my soul, babe
I'd have nothing to show, babe
If you should go away

You are my whole, babe
My heart and my soul, babe
I'd have nothing to show, babe
If you should go

You are my whole, babe
My heart and my soul, babe
I'd have nothing to show, babe
If you should go

I won't forget you, Billy...

ABSOFUCKINGLUTLEY

I was told that I swear a lot and use profanity more than I should. Well, it depends on how you look at it... Do you consider FUCK profanity, really? How is that even possible in today's day and age, its normal! This is a word that is not only universal, but has the ability to be used in any sentence. Its a Verb,Adverb,Noun, Adjective, Command etc... You already know all of this. FUCK is the umph to everything. Example: 'That is beautiful.' vs 'That is fucking beautiful.' Come on now, I just gave that statement the ultimate umph! Signed, sealed and delivered. I know it sounds fucked but its oh so true. If you disagree with me on this, well you can simply go fuck yourself :)

~ He was just a coward and that was the worst luck any man could have ~Ernest Hemingway

Unknown Addict- 10 Questions

1. Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
The most important person in my life at this very moment would have to be... My Nephew, Juliano aka My Bug. I could be having the worst day in the world, legit ready to give up, and all I have to do is look at him, and everything seems alright. I had a lot of lows this year, except for him, he is my high of 2010.

2. What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving?
Telling my story. I have a lot to say, and a lot to teach. Somehow, someway, I just want to reach out to people. If I could do that... Well that would be a dream come true.

3. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you so angry?
I could sit here and name a few names, but I should probably tell the truth... The answer is myself. I have the ability to make myself angrier then I even knew possible. I can be quite hard on myself, give up to easily. Over time I have convinced myself that I'm just not good enough. I have all these ideas, and talents, dreams, and I do nothing about it. I talk about it, but never actually make the move to do it. I'm a chicken shit. And that makes me see red.

4. If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
Easy... I would be in my car, aka Blanche, with my favorite company, driving on my road, wherever that may be, windows down, sun beaming on my skin, cool breeze, music blasting, oldies of course, singing at the top of my lungs, ciggy in hand, laughing till I nearly piss myself...You know that moment where you feel like a million bucks, that's where I'd be, and that's how I'd spend it.

5. What is missing in your life?
Him.

6. Have you hurt someone, and do you regret it?
I believe one way or another we all hurt someone. It may not always be intentional, but that doesn't mean that the pain is any less. Yes, I have hurt many. I am sorry for causing others pain, but I don't regret anything. Everything happens for a reason, and I truly believe that, every step I take in life whether it be good or bad, it taught me something. It's what got me here.

7. Do you dwell on the past?
I can be known to do that from time to time. Certain aspects of my life I dwell on, not because I want to go back there, but because I never got closure. I am big on closure. I don't want to ask myself 10, 20 years from now 'what if?' you know?

8. Do you believe in magic?
If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed, but who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt.

9. Do you think you're a know it all?
Well, I have all the answers I just don't know what questions they belong to... does that count?

10. Do you think you're fragile?
I feel like if someone were to touch me, I'd dissolve into molecules.

Unknown Addict-Tag 3

It feels as though I'm slipping again... Falling. I do not want to return to that darkness. Maybe its the time of year, Holidays are coming, that could have something to do with it.
Memories are coming at me with full force, flooding my brain with what used to be.
I walked into a store last night, and BAM! The music, the scent, the well stocked shelf full of over priced chocolate, everything. Right then and there my vision went blurry and my chest did something funny. I could feel you, hear you, see you. Crack. My immediate reaction was to grab hold of my chest and keep it together... So I stood in place just waiting for the storm to end.

We're The Ones Who Just Don't Care...

Smoking your cigarette and talking over coffee...

Unknown Addict-Tag 2

I was getting closer and the shadow sensed that. The trees blocked most of the moonlight so it was difficult for me to see anything in the forest. I turned slightly to the left and the branches cracked beneath me. It heard me. The fear burned in my heart and everything became a dizzy like blur...

Unknown Addict-Tag

Have you ever experienced a love so innocent, yet so dangerous at the same time? A love your mind knows is so wrong, yet your heart knows is so right? A love where the connection is tied so deep that the pull is strong enough to damage anything that crosses its path?... I have.

Buzzing Rant

Have you ever had a bug's annoying little ass, buzzing its way back and forth that it kind of does this itch to your eardrum? Yeah. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Well, that is exactly how immature pathetic little bratty minions sound. Buzz Buzz. Talk about Killington's.
I know a lot of people's lives lack entertainment and all, but really? Really? When did every ones moral obligations go right out the window? Everyone preaches left right and center " The Past is the Past" Then please tell me, why the hell can't you just leave it there? OK, so someone hurt you, or someone stole your boyfriend, your best friend, there was heartaches, heartbreaks, lies, etc... Newsflash, that is life! Shit happens, and you learn from it. And it happens to every one. You MOVE ON. If someone murdered your brother or better half, I can see where revenge can come into play... But petty little nonsense that means nothing, mostly just words, Why attack? Why play games? Instead of giggling along with your friends on the " he said, she said" crap. Why cant you just enjoy life? Why throw little comments back in forth trying to better yourselves? You're not fooling anyone... Not even yourselves, because when you go to bed at night, the truth is there in the darkness, just you and your mind... You can't hide from that. So the entertainment that you think you're getting, just remember along with that, you're also getting pity. Think about it...

Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred.How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us? That we now send our children out into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return but knowing that some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?

There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up.

ENOUGH SAID.

THIS MOVIE CHANGED MY LIFE!

T H E B R E A K F A S T C L U B

Walk that path with me...
And when that path comes to an end...
I'll always know you were a true friend.

"You've got troubles, I've got 'em too. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. We'll stick together to see it through cause you've got a friend in me."

WHO ARE YOU?

Who are you? . . .
It's a question everyone has been asked, various times, from various people, in various ways, and it's also a question that I just can't seem to find the answer to. Sometimes I have an answer, but its probably just a lie, telling you what you want to hear or convincing myself that that is who I can be. You see people have these expectations in others, if you're not living up to their standards or ways of living by a certain time, then you're doing it wrong. Its not really their fault, I mean we're all genetically programmed to believe in one path- Your born, you go to school, get an education, find a job, build a relationship, get married, have babies, retire, and then. . . you die. Its there drawn out for us before we even get a chance to understand it. I'm not saying its a bad thing, I'm just saying it may not be my thing. However, they say it's wrong to think this way. . . You try arguing your beliefs and they judge you, throw everything you've ever done wrong in your life at you, thinking it's some sort of motivational boost. Did these morons ever stop to think- " Hey, They're a human being, maybe I should take it a little easy" - I doubt it.

Are you them? . . . Are they you? . . . Who are they?

It takes a toll you know, because eventually. . . You start believing them.

What is Friendship?

What is a Friend? I'll tell you. It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself. Your soul can go naked with him. He seems to ask you to put on nothing, only to be what you really are.

When you are with him, you do not have to be on your guard. You can say what you think, so long as it is genuinely you.

He understands those contradictions in your nature that cause others to misjudge you. With him you breathe freely—you can avow your little vanities and envies and absurdities, and in opening them up to him they are dissolved on the white ocean of his loyalty.

He understands.—You can weep with him, laugh with him, pray with him—through and underneath it all he sees, knows and loves you.
Walter Winchell

WOW! Well I beg to differ! Its seems like people have forgotten the true meaning of Friendship and all that should or used to be a part of it. I mean really, what the hell happened to people? Have we all become so selfish that we just don't give a shit anymore? Because its not like that, not today, today you always have to be on guard on what you say or feel, No matter how genuine you are being, it does not matter. All the " he said, she said" bullshit completely washes away that Ocean Of Loyalty that he/she supposedly holds for you. Not to mention the standards society holds on us, She's not pretty enough, too fat, not the right shoes or makeup... Friendship isn't like it used to be. And we did that. It's come to the point where you really don't know who is a true friend or not. So people start playing games, and testing, and then you get pissed off about that cause no one wants to play games... But we caused this, WE did all of this, together. Its like friendship is the "New Dating", your hesitant to be yourself, unsure if they really understand you, and all that jazz... I believe if we just open up our god damn hearts and eyes, and realize what we have, that maybe that true meaning of friendship will show its way back into our lives...Or maybe--maybe I'm just dreaming...