People understand the pain that comes along with breaking up with a boyfriend. Most people have been through it at least once. But the pain caused when a friendship ends can be just as bad, if not worse, than breaking up with your boyfriend.
It doesn’t matter why your friendship ended (you grew apart, you had a fight, you found different groups of friends, etc.) it can seem impossible to move on, especially if the friend played a significant role in your life. Luckily for you (and unfortunately for me) I’ve been through a traumatic friend break-up... I’ve figured out some ways to get through it and come out the other side and rise above it all. And unlike Carrie Underwood’s instructions for a boyfriend break-up, I won’t tell you to dig your key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive. Carving your name into his
leather seats is not allowed either. Cause that is just ridiculous. Even though that does sound quite intriguing and a huge part of me really wants to, it's just the anger talking. And real life is more complicated than that.
Just like any breakup, it is hard to do. Much like the passing away of a loved one, breakups have stages of grief.
1. Shock: "What the fuck just happened?"
Shock is the body's natural protection against pain. And when your relationship first ends, you just might not want to deal with what's coming next. It may be too scary, too lonely, too confusing. A state of disbelief could last minutes, weeks or even months and likely lasts longer if you are on the receiving end of an unexpected "we're done". Don't be surprised if you feel a sense of blurriness about the actual breakup scene, a literal loss of breath, or trouble sleeping. You just got hit with a fucking Mac truck sweetheart. You're friends will probably remind you of
It daily though. Not to mention the name drops and memories that will push you to remember until finally... The shock will wear off. And when that happens, you have now officially boarded stage two of your grief. Ladies, buckle up... This is going to be a bumpy ride.
2. Denial: "This is so not fucking happening."
Denial is rejection of reality and a storage of feelings. The thinking is that, if you don't accept the heartbreak, then it didn't really happen, thus leaving hope for reunion. You know, like the shit they teach you about in the movies. During this stage of a breakup it is common to call, text, email or even Facebook/ Twitter-stalk -- anything that feels remotely "normal" about the relationship -- in an effort to put dealing with the heartbreak on hold. But when the other person on the receiving end is not having any of it and making it more than clear that "we're over" is in truth a fact... Something inside of you cracks. "Oh holy shit, hes actually gone...we're...over" The denial is no longer, and you snap back to reality. Brace yourself. No matter how difficult or unbearable it feels, experience it. Whether it’s guilt, sorrow, or anger, let it wash over you. This is the time when all those thoughts of what you should have said or done to avoid the breakup start to surface. Life at this stage feels scary and out control and you sometimes wonder how you’ll make it through another day.
3. Hibernation "I just want to sit in this all by myself...fuck off"
Once you've recognized the breakup, you get into the dirty work: Dealing with the dissolution of the relationship. You may replay the relationship over and over in your mind, trying to pinpoint where it fell apart and how it could have been saved. Your thoughts may feel very scattered and disorganized, basically a scary fucking mess. This stage of grief has you in withdrawal; you don't even feel like updating your Facebook or twitter status or checking your text messages. You may draw your blinds and not even want to leave the house. Sitting in silence or listening to Taylor Swift or The Cure or any other depressing love songs that you might relate to ( girls do this, I don't know why) or even stuffing your face with a pint of ice cream feels better than going outside and admitting to the world that, yes, it's over and yes my heart is breaking. NO THANKS!
4. Anger: "I hate you for breaking my fucking heart!!"
In this stage, your heart goes from sad to unbelievably mad. "Why is this happening to me? This is not fair!!". You become fueled with anger towards him for whatever his part in the breakup was " fucking bastard! how could he do this to me, and over a text message? fuck you! I hate you!", and or toward yourself for your part "How could I have been so stupid? I am such a stupid masochist bitch!". You reach a turning point when you realize that something must change because you can’t go on like this. You may find yourself wanting to expose him, burn his pictures, slander him to his friends or worse. If you are angry with yourself, you may do a lot of self-talk -regretful thoughts and angry conversations with yourself. You lash out at pretty much anyone who dares cross you, or even look at you in this stage. The deeper desire here is often to place blame... And that blame is usually bestowed upon yourself. It’s unhealthy to obsess about the way things could have turned out. It’s even worse to beat yourself up about why you didn’t do things a certain way in the first place. You can feel, write or talk about your anger but DO NOT act on it. You don't want to slash his tires, that's madness and hillbilly-like.
5.Haggling: "What the fuck will it take to get him back?"
Sometimes you'll say prayers, or any form of high hopes in faith, ( Like checking your daily horoscope to see if the cosmos can throw you a fricken bone here) this stage is often about getting him back, but other times, it is about absolving your own guilt if you did something wrong that caused the breakup. Desperate to negotiate with yourself or your person, you may go to extreme measures to make deals or become something else (thinner, less jealous, etc.) to make amends...when in truth, it is just about making the current pain go away. A band-aid, if you will. DON'T rehash the situation. It’s sad and may have been surprising, but going over the details again and again with another friend or family member isn’t going to make you feel any better. It will just inhibit your ability to focus on other areas of your life. And goddamn, you're probably something special. remember that, will ya?
6. Depression: "Fuck My Life I will never get over this"
This is the time where you really feel the loss, the yearning, the missing...This is the darkest hour before dawn-- the quiet, sentimental time of loneliness, sadness and depression when nothing and nobody can cheer you up. It’s also often the time when your friends and your close family think now is the time to "get over it", move on and be happy. (Thanks tips, didn't think about that at all)
You will likely be overtaken by a long period of reflection, could be weeks or maybe even longer. It can feel all too overwhelming, but its NORMAL to feel this way. Your going to go over what your life was like prior to "him" or what it could be like now and--well that can be hard. Just getting out of bed feels difficult, and you may even feel physical aches and pains. People are probably going to notice, especially your close friends and family. In spite of the well-meaning advice and encouragement you may get from people around you, you WILL feel sad and WILL prefer your own little bubble. This is probably the hardest stage of all. You will finally realize and experience the full effect of the breakup. You're going to be tired, very, very tired. So sad, and absolutely terrified of the future because you just don't think you will ever get over this. ( You're wrong by the way)
Often you will get overwhelmed by memories of it all, the good and bad, and you may feel emptiness and despair. The famous coulda'-shoulda'-woulda' keeps playing over and over and over again. Then before you know it, something changes.
7. The Turn: " I guess shit just fucking happens"
This is the first turn for the better and the first sign of relief. You slowly adjust to the role you are now leading, and you have stopped being so hard on yourself; because at this point you've been living in hell and you became quite comfortable there. The physical pain subsides and the dark cloud of depression lifts off of you as well. This is the real "Step by step, Day by day" part. You are becoming much calmer, and your life is becoming more organized again. you may even be starting to see some old faces too. You have broken out of your bubble, slowly... You're rebuilding your hope, your faith and trust in everything and everyone. Your just doing you, and for all the right reasons. Your accepting that it is over, and that you are okay...maybe even better than that.
8. Acceptance: "I'm not okay...I'm fucking Great!"
At this last stage you finally realize that you don’t have to forget the breakup or him. This stage makes all the other really tough ones worth it. You come to realize what the past meant and what the future can hold. You simply have to forgive him and yourself. You would be amazed what its like when you step up and see things from all sides now. You let go of the bad memories while keeping the best, happiest memories as guide to what could come next. Or maybe you will be at a Bruce Springsteen concert listening to him sing "Jack Of All Trades" and something in you just--clicks. You don't deserve this, and he sure as hell doesn't deserve you. I'm sure it differs for everyone...point is, you finally get it. You had the strength to get through this brutal situation. Sure, there are going to be sad moments here and there (completely normal) but you wont get sucked back into the darkness. You understand why you were in his life, and you understand why you are no longer. You remember that everything happens for a reason. And most importantly, you remember that you are more than okay...you are fucking great.
Breaking up isn't as hard to do if you understand that everything that is happening to your heart, your mind and your body is totally normal. That's right... Consuming endless pints of ice cream one day and being disgusted by the sight of food the next is normal under the circumstances. It is also normal to want to slash the tires of the son of a bitch who broke your heart, and want him back all at the same time. IT'S NORMAL to feel that way. Even if he was just a friend...
